At least the family jewels were spared.

I'm about to tell a story about a woman who recently cut off a man's penis. I told it at a little party on Sunday night and the men present were really uncomfortable. I've heard the same reaction is common among Alaskan men, from whence this tale begins.

For those of you who don't get reports from the last frontier, you're really missing out. Here's what went down up north (in Anchorage) a couple of weeks ago:

A 35 year old woman is having an affair with a married man. He wants to break it off. This man is also her uncle, by marriage. The woman is living with the man and his wife (a.k.a. her aunt). This woman and her boyfriend/uncle are arguing about breaking up and they decide to have sex (of course they did!). The woman asks the man if he wants her to tie him up. He assents (surely thinking he was having the best break up sex ever!). She ties him up, grabs a knife from the kitchen and CUTS OFF HIS PENIS! ("The man's testicles remained attached," reports the Anchorage Daily News in case you were curious.) She flushes the penis down the toilet before untying the man and driving him to the hospital where she drops him off. The water people pull up the toilet and retrieve the penis, after which doctors reattach it (although they were skeptical about its utility). I think this brings a whole new meaning to the issue of knowing where something's been before you put it in your mouth.

The last update I have reported the woman in an Anchorage jail with no bail set. It went on to recap the arrangement (and also probably the state of 80% of all extramarital affairs, if not heterosexual relationships in general):

"She and her boyfriend, who is married to her aunt, had been quarreling because Tran (the woman) wanted the man to leave his wife, marry her and have children with her, according to the charging documents. The man said he only wanted to have sex with her, the documents say."