Options I'd never considered.
1. There's this group called AVEN - Asexuality Visibility and Education Network - that you may be interested in joining if you have no interest in sex. Yep, you just read, "if you have no interest in sex." Apparently there are people who meet this criterion although from what I gather, the inclusiveness of the asexual community make its boundaries nebulous. For example, although I guess the 'purists' (how about 'sadists,' 'bad sports,' or 'party poopers'?) claim to be "100 percent uninterested in sex," some identify as both asexual and gay, some masturbate (although it's made clear this is just free-association masturbation, not masturbation with any particular person in mind), and some do engage in sex, but only "to express romantic or emotional attraction," rather than to satisfy a sex drive.
2. Are you fed up with the federal government's "liberal ways" and unabashed disregard for Christianity in the public sphere? (Yes, you read that correctly as well.) If so, lucky for you, because ChristianExodus.org wants you to move to South Carolina where the sheer force of your piety in numbers will drive the South Carolinian government to secede from the rest of the US to found a nation based on the Ten Commandments. I wonder if gay asexuals who masturbate and occasionally have sex (but don't mean it, of course) are welcome?